Ten Things I Hate About You, Backpackers
Why do I hate backpackers? Let me count the ways..
I hate the way that you’re a slob, I hate the way you travel in mobs. I hate the way you bargain down, I hate the way you dress like a clown. I hate the way you really stink, I hate you leaving your hair in the sink. I hate the way you sleep all day, I hate that you’re cheating on your bae. I hate the way you prowl for sex, I hate the way you go on treks. I hate all the questions that you ask, I hate that you don’t know how to pack. I hate that you drink all night, I hate when you put up a fight. I hate the way that you don’t care, I hate you in the hostel in your underwear. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
(Inspired by Ten Things I Hate About You.)
Ten things I hate about you, backpackers:
Have you ever sat next to a backpacker on a bus? Or stayed in a 20-person dorm room? It’s not pleasant. There’s this distinctive backpacker stench resulting from unlaundered clothes that have visited jungles, beaches, and ping pong shows; foul body odor from going days or weeks or hours without a shower; and hair grease so thick it could put the middle east out of business. You might want to bring nose plugs if you’re going to be in a confined space with a backpacker. Or just stay home. Men at home don’t smell.
Backpackers are Cheap
Now, there’s cheap and then there’s cheap, and backpackers fall into the latter category. If you’ve never seen someone bargain over twenty cents, refuse air conditioning in 100-degree heat because it’s a dollar more, or eat every meal from a ramen packet, you’ve never met a backpacker.
Backpackers are Drunks
Sometimes I think backpackers are just on a pub tour of the world. I’ve never met a backpacker who valued museums over bars, culture over buckets, or nature over nightclubs. Seriously, there’s life outside of a bar. I swear. And when backpackers aren’t drunk…
Backpackers are Always Hungover
Have you ever seen a hostel during the day? It’s basically full of zombies. Backpackers spend their day in bed or in the hostel lounge or in a hammock, hungover, completely unable to do anything else. They’re either biding the hours until it’s time to hit the bars or, more likely, cracking open a can for breakfast to nurse off the hangover.
Backpackers Pack Too Much
When every backpacker in your dorm room has a 100-liter backpack or a rolling suitcase big enough to double as a bunk bed, things can get a little tight. There’s only so much floor space and lockers are only so big! I mean, seriously, not everyone needs to bring everything they own… And that leads us to…
Backpackers are Messy
Backpackers open their bags and let everything fall out all over the room. Backpackers leave all their toiletries in the bathrooms. Backpackers never make their beds. Backpackers never clean up after themselves after breakfast in the common room. Backpackers just leave a mess all over the hostel. And it’s gross. GROSS.
Backpackers are Lazy
Do you want to go to a museum? No. Do you want to go to a temple? You already saw one once. Do you want to drink somewhere other than the hostel bar? Why? Lazy. Lazy. LAZY. Backpackers never want to leave the hostel. Or do anything. Ugh.
Backpackers are Selfish
When traveling, it’s every backpacker for her or himself. Don’t expect a backpacker to give up the last of the morning coffee, the final seat on a bus, or that boy you’ve been flirting with all day for you. They won’t. You might think you’re friends, but you’ve probably only known this person for a day. So even if your so called “friend” promises all day that that cute Australian guy was checking YOU out, when you come back from the bathroom you will find her making out with him. Whatevs.
Backpackers are Horny
All backpackers want is one thing and that one thing is NOT to see the world. All those horny backpackers want is to have sex. They spend every day trying to pick up girls. All night trying to pick up girls. And then if they do pick up a girl they just try to get her to have sex IN PUBLIC IN THE DORM ROOM. As if I care that you’re a horny backpacker having sex like right in front of me. I didn’t like him anyways that much.
Backpackers are Stupid
Ask a backpacker the capital of the country they’re in, how many continents there are, or if Iran and Iraq are different countries and you’ll probably just get blank stares. Backpackers are pretty stupid. Especially stupid Australian boys. Just saying.
That’s why I hate backpackers. Why do YOU hate backpackers???
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